Maria's Sunday, May 25, 2008

I woke up in a hotel room on Route 1 with the bride-to-be in bed with me!

And that is the elevator pitch for my new romantic comedy destined to be the shittiest made for TV movie on Lifetime.

My friend Mitzi didn't want to be alone the night before her wedding. So she invited me to stay over.

I was like, "Really? This is the last night of your life you will ever be able to be alone? And you don't want to be? This is your LAST CHANCE EVER for ONE peaceful night. And you don't want it?"

I like to speak in extremes and toy with the fragile emotions of soon to be married people.

So we woke up, and I started in with an impromptu song called "wedding day". Here it is:

Wedding day
the day you get wedded
you're gonna get hitched
you'll look hot in ya dress
wedding day, bitch.

It sounded nice sung in my morning voice. I don't think Mitzi loved it.

It was 7 am, the wedding wasn't until 1:30, but Mitzi was all business and she kicked my ass out of bed. A milli-nanosecond later, the bed was fully made and her wedding dress, veil, shoes, and ring pillow were neatly set on the bed.

She had lots of bridey stuff to do, so I went downstairs to the gym, then to breakfast.

Mitzi found me and put me to work. I carried messages between her room and the groom's room, where my man Justin was. (Justin was the best man.)

I said things like "The photographer will be here at 11:30. You have to be ready then. Your limo will be here at 12. You have to leave then. Your wife-to-be is going to look wicked hot in her dress. Are you ready for this? Are you? YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED BUB. GET YOURSELF READY."

The boys were more nervous than the girls. By mistake, Justin got a tux for a fat man and needed safety pins. None of them knew how boutonnieres should look, and they didn't know the schedule. Total bitch-boys.

Then we all left for the wedding and they got married. I did a reading where I talked about "if I don't have love, I'm nothing".

Then we went to a Mansion in Ipswich, MA by Crane's beach that was effing amazing, see?


Then we ate and drank and danced and ate more. Justin did a speech, which was delightful. I have never heard my husband make a speech. Just delightful. He does not have a career as an orator.

Then I realized there was no way I was making my 7 pm show. I felt awful about canceling a show, but what can you do? Leave a wedding at a mansion, when you had slept with the bride just the night before? No. You stick it out. You eat more cake. Then you pass out.